Matt has impressive tackle and a sturdy rod, but he always fails to impress with tiddlers. But enough about his personal life, because there are far more amusing ways to put his dignity on the line, like making him play the PC conversion of Sega Bass Fishing – an old Dreamcast game which required a motion sensor – using a standard controller. Hooray for Humble Bundles!
Three sheets to the wind and with no idea what’s going on, a very sweary and terrified Matt revisits a yolksy nightmare as, armed only with his diminished wits and a bottle of reasonably-priced tequila, he faces off against the twisty Flumpty Dumpty in spoof-sequel One Night At Flumpty’s 2.
Matt attempts to shake off the memories of Sonic ’06 and delves into the nostalgia-fest of its follow-up, the fan-service heavy Sonic Generations. What will our born-and-raised Nintendoid make of Sega’s tribute to its glory days? And what’s that sparkly blue light in the dist… SWEET MINBARI JESUS NO.
Matt pops on his fedora (the official adventuring kind, not the OK Cupid douchebag kind), straps on his trusty whip and lights a torch to go exploring in some procedurally-generated catacombs. Riches (loose change), fame (everything’s trying to kill him) and an epic adventure (everything succeeds in killing him) are all for the taking as 15 Minutes of Pain encounters the instantly-classic Spelunky!
Grab a bottle of Rolling Rock, slip on your white shirt and armour up with a pocket protector – Matt may not be famous enough to have any fan games based on his exploits, but as luck would have it there IS a game based on another YouTuber who gets ranty and sweary whilst he plays terrible games. Will Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures be a wry satire of the awful fodder that forms James Rolfe’s playlist? Or is it just as bad as the titles it lampoons?
Matt turns to his bloated Steam library – replete to bursting with games he can’t remember buying, and which he’s beginning to think are breeding – and finds indie BASE jumping simulator AaAaAA!!! – A Reckless Disregard for Gravity. It’s a good job that he’s trained Richard Cobbett on Viscera Cleanup Detail, because it’s going to need one hell of a janitor to clean up this mess. And what’s with the puppet?
He’s failed at surgery. He’s failed at making toast. He’s failed at being a goat, a suicidal pig and a drunken security guard. But now Matt faces his greatest challenge yet – a challenge which will take all of his skill, wit and co-ordination. Mr. Ted craves tea and biccies, and there’s only one hapless hero who can provide them: welcome to the hell of Tea Party Simulator.
Because you demanded it – and because Matt generally bows to peer pressure – the time has finally come: Matt is playing Five Nights At Freddy’s. But being the somewhat cowardly soul that he is, he’s decided to partake of a little liquid courage beforehand, so witness now as an incredibly drunken fool accepts the terrifying night guard position at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza! WARNING: Contains swearing. A LOT of swearing. No, seriously. A drunk, frightened Matt is a sweary Matt.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, LucasArts thought that it might be a good idea to give Tekken a Star Wars makeover and release their own fighting game for the PlayStation – a game which, thanks to One More Go alumnus Aaron Darlington, Matt now feels compelled to play. Unfortunately for him, however, there’s no ghostly Obi-Wan to provide advice, so it’s just him, his wits and his trusty Hufflesaber against a galaxy in turmoil. May the Force be with him… or at the very least some rudimentary fighting skills.
It’ll take more than a nice, cold banana to calm Matt down after this week’s foray into the unknown; the monkeys are revolting – or more accurately, revolving – and they’re conspiring to put him on the Dole. Will he make peace with the Mmrmosets, or will their antics leave him looking like a right titi?
Matt straps on his fin, sharpens his second row of teeth and gets in touch with his inner Bruce for his first dose of PlayStation 2, with belated movie licence Jaws Unleashed. But where will his performance rank on the sliding (fish) scale of Great White quality? Will he be replicating Vertigo shots with Speilberg? Or cruising for a conservatory with Michael Caine?
Matt’s had an interesting week full of technical fail – but when the going gets tough, the tough head on to Steam and find a game that costs £0.09! And so witness, dear viewer, as your cordial host gets to grips with a porcine death wish in the most frustrating level design since I Am Bread with Android puzzle conversion Squishy The Suicidal Pig. On the plus side, however… a new Corpsey!
Matt bows to public demand, risking both his nerves and his clean underpants, and delves once more into the world of horror gaming. The challenge makes Slenderman’s woods practically comforting; our hapless hero must journey into the terrifying containment cell of a creature known only as SCP-087-B, his only goal to get as far into the labyrinthine maze as possible. Can he pull it off in his usual stoic manner? Or will he receive complaints about shattered eardrums?
At the suggestion of a former podcasting colleague – likely making it some form of petty revenge – Matt travels back to the 16-bit era and attempts to pass the first level of film-licensed Megadrive platformer Alien 3. You have to feel for those double-Y chromo boys… marooned on an inhospitable prison planet, thousands of light years from civilisation and trapped with a homicidal alien life form, and their own hope for salvation is a bearded nerd in a Hufflepuff hat…
Yes, more zombies being shot – but this time they’re being shot with the greatest weapon of all – filthy, grotty smut! Matt attempts to face down the horrors of Typing of the Dead armed with the Filth DLC pack, accepting that whilst he might not survive the game thanks to all the giggling he will at the very least add a few choice new phrases to his already expansive lexicon of epithets…
If you go down to the woods today you’re sure of a big surprise… because Matt’s left behind a pair of incredibly full underpants. Yes, like a masochistic court jester he’s decided to do something incredibly unpleasant to himself in the name of entertainment and play his first horror game – the infamous creepypasta-influenced “Slender: The Eight Pages”. Will he bravely face down the terrifying Slenderman and collect the eight journal pages that assure his freedom? Or will he dissolve into a blubbering, whimpering mess and shatter your eardrums with his surprisingly high-pitched screams? Probably the former, right?
Matt tumbles head-first into surreal cartoon wilderness survival game Don’t Starve. Can he possibly live to see the dawn of another day without supplies, without tools, without shelter and – perhaps more importantly – without a volleyball with which to create a suave and witty companion? Or is he destined to be eaten in the dark by a Grue? One thing’s for certain: as survivalists go he’s less Bear Grylls and more Burt Gummer (but without the guns).
When it comes to entertaining his subscribers, Matt would do almost anything. He’d would stand in the way of a bullet. He would run through a forest of flames. He would climb the highest of mountains. And he would play the point and click adventure game based on the greatest, most epic movie ever made*.
On YouTube, everybody can hear Matt scream… like a terrified child. Over and over again. It’s really high-pitched. Following the recording of the Left 4 Dead 2 video, Matt grew curious as to whether there were any other Aliens-based mods available on Steam Workshop. He found some. He applied them. He cranked up the difficulty. He filled his pants.
What’s the one thing better than a zombie game? A zombie game loaded with a ridiculous number of mods! Matt resumes his war against the legions of the undead with Left 4 Dead 2, and this time (thankfully) Clements’ diseased colon is nowhere in sight; instead, however, he has to rely on Deadpool’s shoddy aim, capture the Master Sword and endure the unmitigated terror of the Cookie Monster. Let’s just hope he doesn’t get slapped with a stupendous lawsuit…
The toaster’s plugged in, the kettle’s on and table has been set – it’s time to jam (and butter) with baked goods career simulator I Am Bread. Naturally Matt takes things in his usual calm, grown-up manner and completes the game in record time with absolutely no swearing or childish behaviour whatsoever.
How wrong can a 15MoP video go? Hideously wrong as it turns out, not that that will stop Matt from uploading it. So watch now, as he bandwagons with the rest of YouTube at the request of a friend and has a painful conversation with his Future Self – who, as it turns out, doesn’t respond well to Tommy Wiseau impressions.
15 Minutes of Pain: one game, one clueless gamer, no instruction manual and only fifteen minutes to figure out what’s going on! In the pilot episode, Matt attempts open heart surgery with a bare minimum of knowledge, a complete absence of training and patience and all the steadiness of a neck massager on a roller-coaster as he attempts to get to grips with Surgeon Simulator. What could possibly go wrong?